Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
