When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
