i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
