I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
