a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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