If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
