im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
