I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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