Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
