you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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