He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
