genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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