Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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