I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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