I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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