My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
