I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
