i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
