Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
