so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
