The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
