In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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