So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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