I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
