i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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