judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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