I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
