You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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