so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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