I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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