I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
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