This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize