you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
