I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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