im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
