I think I died a long time ago.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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