i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
