you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
