On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Randomize
