I accidentally burped into my bong.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
