tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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