Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
