it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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