I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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