You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
