Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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