My sheets look like a crime scene.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
