One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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