Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
