I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
