Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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