Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
