By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
