Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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