when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Randomize