if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
