i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
