i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize