I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
