Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
